Moving Forward

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope 

and a future." 

-Jeremiah 29:11

I miscarried. 

Again.

However, thanks to my faith and verses such as above, I feel strong enough to finally write about what we've been through (glass of wine in hand... of course). 

I like to consider myself a fairly optimistic and positive person. And for those of you that know me,  I think you would agree. With that said, writing about something that was obviously extremely devastating for both Zach and I, and both our families, is less than ideal. I didn't feel right, however, moving forward with the joyous moments in our lives and Grace's latest milestones without acknowledging the past few months... And the tiny beautiful baby of ours that is now in Heaven. I'm praying that despite the heartbreak I'm feeling at the moment forcing myself to relive what we went through, telling our story will be a therapeutic step in bringing closure and moving forward. 

We received a call earlier this week from my OB regarding test results from the D&C I had done in December. Our baby had a chromosomal abnormality known as Turner's Syndrome. This was obviously bittersweet news to both Zach and I. Hearing a "reason" the miscarriage occurred both comforted and tormented me. For those that have never heard of this condition, Turner's Syndrome means that one copy of the X chromosome is found missing or significantly altered. A normal healthy person is born with two sex chromosomes - either XX (meaning girl) or XY (meaning boy). A baby with Turner's has only one X, meaning it only affects girls.... cue the torment. Turner's Syndrome affects 1 in every 2500 pregnant women with a 98% chance of miscarrying at some point in their pregnancy. There is no genetic issue involved that causes Turner's - it is a completely random and sporadic event that is extremely unlikely to ever occur again. 

Deep breath.

My only comfort found in this news was that it wasn't my fault. My two diet cokes, my moving our couches to fit our Christmas tree in our tiny living room, or the violent period of illness I went through (and lack of a flu shot) were absolutely not the reason our baby's heart stopped beating. Our baby was taken up to Heaven for a reason entirely out of our control. As with all things in life, this was in God's hands. While I still struggle with the "why" factor... why me AGAIN?... why this baby?... why not let this baby defy the odds and be in that 2%?... I'm trying to find peace in the fact that God knows what He is doing. I have faith in His plans for our family.. and I believe with all my heart that our little family of three will absolutely grow when the time is right. We just need to have patience.

Thank you to all those who supported, loved, thought and prayed for us this past month. I'm so sorry if I haven't gotten back to each one of your kind e-mails or messages. Please know your love has meant the world to us, and I promise once Grace's toddler tantrums / random meltdowns, mischievousness and lack of naps finally cease... I will get back to each and every one of you :) 

In the meantime we are living in the moment.... loving our beautiful, healthy, intelligent, sassy little Grace Mack, spending time with our wonderful family and friends... both old and new. We are so incredibly blessed and thankful.... 

And finally ready to move forward.